of course you think of me today! - as if you could spend a 'this year' and not think of a 'last year'.

of course i think of you! - and how a new year always seems to try for a running start and cringes in pain before it even begins.

with the best intentions, we were lying together on your couch, watching a quiet movie, when he and his friends burst in the door noisily, breathless, drunk on excitement and wine and winter. stop our movie, and blow noise makers at each other, laughing and kissing and hugging even me, a stranger. this was already too much for you, and with a frown you left the room and their passion.

so in bed you slept, with me next to you. me, wide awake and staring at nothing in the dark, listening to them playing pool and drinking and laughing and talking in the other room.

me, i should have been out there with them instead of pretending to sleep next to somebody who pretended to care. in you i was empty; in their light i would have been an unquestioned friend.

so intead, this year, i thought of you and watched the ball drop and sunk into my bitter, west-coast-delay new year's celebration, kissing a drunk boy and wondering how all of this has sped past me with such stealth.